You guys I made a maths.
I noticed that the farther I moved from Ohio, the more likely I was to have people from Ohio interested in me.
So I created a mathematical equation that calculates how many men in Columbus are available and ready for some tongue-tangos with you at any given time. Obviously it only works if you are literally anywhere but Columbus.
Number of Miles from Columbus
(Current Height in Feet/Current Weight in Pounds)
([.10][Number of Exes in Columbus]
+ [.10][ Number of Male Gay Friends in Columbus]
+ Number of Straight Male Friends in Columbus Who Just Really, Really Wanted to Hang Out at 3 AM That One Time
+ Number of Vaguely Sexual Messages You Receive From Columbus Men Who “Saw You at Union Last Weekend” Even Though You Live on the Other Side of the Fucking Globe
+ Average Number of Friend Requests Per Month from Men in Columbus You Have Never Met in Your Entire Life)
Number of Men in Columbus Ready for Smooching
Notice that if you are actually in Columbus, the entire equation is shot and the answer is automatically “zero.”
And that’s the other side.
Moving to the opposite side of the globe has really been doing wonders for my personal life in Ohio y’all.