Not 9-5

But Seriously, What is Your Job?

I have an Internet job.

I work for a digital marketing firm as a Creative Content Strategist. The thing is, online business and marketing, in comparison to other ventures, is still kind of new, which means it’s full of people with vague titles and silly job descriptions. Working at a small firm, I have the opportunity to take on a lot of different responsibilities, which can make describing my job even more difficult.

I get “so you’re employed… kind of?” a lot. I go into the office five days a week, 9-5, promise.

So to clear up the confusion, I’ve summarized my job into four areas.


Analytics means charts and spreadsheets and numbers and all of those boring things people don’t think people with Internet jobs do. The spreadsheets are there to reassure you that you do in fact have a real job, and that your serious job means you’re totally a grown-up now. You track online traffic and determine how certain demographics use the Internet. You can also use analytics to see what types of people are visiting a website, and how they found it.

Good to know I’m still #1 in the “hyperactive writhing twinks” market.

Once you collect all the information you need, you tightly bundle it into reports, outlining the current situation and proposing the best strategies for future improvement.


Content is essentially concept work, imagery, and copywriting. This could mean writing useful content for the website that is beneficial to readers and optimized for search engines. Sometimes it’s drafting a brochure or a flier. Other times you write informative guides or manuals for businesses to share with their customers. Customer interviews, product descriptions, case studies, resource pages, photos, music, video… all of these things are content.

An Example of Content… SEXY Content.

Inbound Marketing

This is where the “Internet” part of my Internet job really comes into play. Inbound marketing varies by client, but includes blogging, email campaigns, search engine optimization, link building, and social media. It’s the part where you really have the opportunity to unleash your creativity and connect with people on a personal level.

There’s not much to say here, other than that there is a lot more research, work, and time put into this than most people realize. Entire campaigns can fail just because they were run a few hours too early. A single misquote can be a public relations disaster. Sharing a product with the right blogger could cause an explosion in sales.

But that doesn’t make you feel any less silly when you’re being paid to use Pinterest.


At a digital marketing firm, almost all advertising is online advertising, more specifically, pay per click advertising.

Did you know that Google and Facebook advertising is like, the most complicated thing on the goddamn planet? There are algorithms and formulas that I still have difficulty wrapping my head around, but here’s the gist of it so we can pretend we know what we’re talking about when we talk about my job next time I see you at a fancy dinner party.

You design an ad to target a certain group. With a Google Ad, you’ll want to target people searching with certain keywords. So a lawyer in Phoenix would target people typing “Phoenix lawyer” into Google. Facebook has a lot of ways to target people, and it actually gets kind of creepy how easily I can find y’all with a computer, but you decide who you want to see your ad and go from there.

Then you have to craft copy that makes your ad more appealing than the others. I usually go with something along the lines of “GET A BIGGER DICK NOW,” even if we’re advertising for real estate. Nothing says “overcompensating” like buying a luxury vacation home, am I right?

You can actually run multiple ads at a time and see which one is most successful. Once you’ve found a successful ad, you can run it exclusively instead of the dozens of others you were using.

Facebook has the additional variable of placing a photo with your ad, but with a little research you can discover what type of image will work best for you.

For example, it’s been (obviously) proven that Facebook ads with photos of attractive women will get more clicks… even from other women. What I’m trying to say is, you’re all lesbians.

That’s just what I do during the day for the firm. By night I freelance in journalism, editing, blogging, and music licensing.

But we’ll save that Hong Kong-cocaine-porn-techno-mansion train wreck for another time.


3 thoughts on “But Seriously, What is Your Job?

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