Life and Liquor

Miss Travel is My Homegirl

My friend @PaulMe_Maybe sent me this video last night, and I can’t stop laughing and/or considering starting a gay version of this website. I’ll call it Travlr, or Sailr.

This video explains how a new service that goes by the name of Miss Travel works. There’s sort of a protest about it going on now, something about it promoting human trafficking. But to that Miss Travel shrugs her shoulders, because human trafficking doesn’t happen to pretty people. Just in case the video gets pulled, I’ve transcribed the highlights below.

The video starts with the kind of problem everyone can relate to. You’re an attractive cartoon pixie and love to travel, but your home jewelery scam business hasn’t gained momentum yet and you spent your last Hooters paycheck on leopard-print throw pillows. How the fuck are you going to get to Paris now?

That’s where Miss Travel comes in. You can tell she’s serious, with that dark silhouette logo and that hand-on-the-hip stance that says, “I’m a confident, independent, sassy traveler.” See the suitcase? That shows how much she travels, and you can bet your ass she’s left room for all of the souvenirs she’s going to haul back from Egypt. And check out that font! That ain’t no Comic Sans. That’s a serious business font for a serious business lady.

So how does Miss Travel work?

Miss Travel sets up attractive (and they can’t seem to stress that part enough) ladies with generous men. ALL FOR FREE! What types of generous men? According to the video, ladies can expect doctors, executives, entrepreneurs, and millionaires, just to name a few.

Look at the animated studs just lining up to pay for your trip to Prague!

Personally I’m digging the blue-eyed Latino. See you in Brazil baby.

That one on the left in the glasses and the suit and the comb-over kind of looks like Clark Kent. Hot. He can take me skiing on the Swiss Alps any day.

But… wait, who is that little Justin Bieber lookalike waving his fingers around like an asshole? WAIT DO YOU SEE THAT KNIFE?


Okay, so maybe this isn’t the dream-come-true fantasy I thought it was. But hey, you can’t just let some hot guy with a knife scare you away from seeing the Great Wall of China in person. It’s time for some serious research.

That’s why I watched the video one more time, this time using my Craigslist Bingo Cards. It’s a simple formula, take words commonly found on Craigslist and slap them on a Bingo card. Leave a mark whenever the words of whatever you’re analyzing match the card, and if you strike Bingo, it’s officially proven to be Craiglist Creepy, with science.


I guess that settles it. Miss Travel is probably more of a prostitution ring than a glamorous travel adventure service. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you can’t argue with science.

Looks like you’ll have to achieve your travel dreams the old fashioned way: indentured servitude through a TESL program.

But just in case the whole “work” thing isn’t for you, I’ll leave a link to Miss Travel here. It’ll be our little secret.

Can’t wait to see your pictures from Thailand! I hear the brothels are in full bloom this time of year.


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