Life and Liquor, Not 9-5

I Don’t Live in Columbus or Work at the Dispatch

I’m no stranger to messages from people assuming I’m in Columbus. Typically they’re Facebook messages from strangers saying they “stumbled across my Facebook profile” and “recognized me from the bar” over the weekend, and hey, maybe we could hang out sometime, but totally not in a sexual way, unless it happens, you know?

They usually don’t reply when I point out that I haven’t lived in Columbus since August. As an aside, where were all of these kind of creepy, probably partnered suitors when I actually fucking lived there?

But recently I’ve been getting a different kind of question about Columbus.

In the past few months I’ve been asked multiple times about how my job writing for The Columbus Dispatch is going.

I do not and have never written, for The Columbus Dispatch. I haven’t lived in Columbus since August.

I don’t know how this rumor got started. I understand traditional rumors, rumors about who slept with who or claims that so-and-so said something mean about what’s-her-face. I’ve fallen victim to those before, which is silly, because I’ve made enough terrible decisions that to make one up is a futile effort. Why make up a rumor about someone who started dating his ex-girlfriend’s brother at her suggestion? How much damage can you do to the reputation of a person who on more than one occasion spent the early hours of the morning huffing laughing gas with a crew of mischievous dentists?

But this rumor is so… mundane. Hell, a rumor about me working at the Dispatch probably improves  my public standing. My curiosity has caused me to put entirely too much effort into finding the origin of this rumor, but I’ve come up with nothing.

This inability to pursue a story is probably why I don’t have a job at the Dispatch.

That said, if you ask me how life in Columbus is going, or if I think I’ll keep writing for the Dispatch, I’m probably just going to be really offended that you’re not paying enough attention to me on Facebook and Twitter.

Because that rumor about me being needy and attention-starved? That one is totally true.


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